March 15, 2010

UGH i don’t even know

…what to do. what to say. except WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? this is never going to work. i see that now, my vision finally crystal-clear, no longer clouded over with hazy, crazy infatuation. S and i are far too similar, we’re selfish and impulsive and react in exactly the same way; that is to say, we blow up over tiny triggering things and don’t understand why the other is overreacting over something so reasonable. and the joke is, i don’t think he sees any of this. and i can’t make him see it; he’ll just get argumentative, dig in his heels, and burrow deeper down into his own one-sided perspective. so what’s a spineless girl to do?

i really know i shouldn’t, but i can’t help compare him to B when we’re like this; i think of how kind and communicative and sweet and understanding B is, and god damn it why is S so blind to any other possible views than his own? and then i worry about my own… (what was the word B used?) impressionability; my fluidity, my amorphous amoeba of a personality that emerges when i find myself in a relationship. i think maybe i’m becoming more volatile, more irrational and self-righteous, because that’s how i see S acting—and i justify it as a need to defend myself when he’s acting accusatory and demanding. maybe i am the one making things worse… i don’t know. i can’t observe our interactions objectively, so i really can’t judge. i just know that with B, my responses reach the opposite end of the spectrum; i’m overly understanding and supportive, because that’s exactly how he is. although, this has only reached a happy harmony recently; since i’ve accepted his being with C and drowned myself in new attention.

…that’s not healthy either. god damn it.

i don’t know who i am when i’m not in a relationship. that’s pretty fucking terrifying.