i’m not sure why i’m compelled to post this page, aside from the fact that it’s resonating uncomfortably close to home and i need to yell that SOMEWHERE before i explode—or post it on facebook instead, which would actually probably be messier than spontaneous human combustion. i’ve been in somewhat of a brainfog all day, though, so i don’t know how much introspection and reflection i can delve into right now; but i do need to say something, cite something, to simply draw attention to the words and thoughts that i’m simultaneously drawn to and furious with for their painfully-honest insight.
I was 22 when I was involved with a woman in her mid-30s who had just ended a long marriage. As an idealistic 22-year-old male who believed that love conquered all, I allowed myself to get caught up in the fantasy that our relationship had a future. She did as well, but only briefly……Now I’m 10 years older/wiser and I do understand why it wouldn’t have worked; as she told me, I needed to have the chance to have my own life, and had we stayed together, she would have been a senior citizen at the point where I would be having my midlife crisis. The memories are great and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but I think OLD and anyone else who hooks up with much younger partners needs to be aware that lack of life experience will make young partners more susceptible to fantasizing about a future together that may or may not be feasible or well-advised, no matter how honest and considerate the older partner is.
rereading this person’s letter again just now, i realized that phe is not saying anything at all earth-shattering. maybe that’s because i originally built myself up to be shattered. a lack of life experience will make young partners more susceptible to fantasizing about a future together that may or may not be feasible or well-advised. well, duh—it sounds completely trivial to me now. i guess the nerve-rattling part was the realization that i’m STILL fantasizing about a future together with B, and right here in print is the proof that this delusion is a terrible idea and it probably wouldn’t work out. HE’S ON VACATION WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND AND HIS FAMILY, for fuck’s sake. i never met most of his family after two years; he’s been with her a few months. granted, they were a very messy two years, which was largely my fault, and…
ahhhhh fuck. this has to stop. i can’t continue making excuses for him. it’s just that, in truth, our situation is so tangled and multi-sided and my perception of it is entirely dependent on my mood at the moment. and so is his perception of it—i just wish he’d recognize that, because i feel like i’m being cheated out of about a mile of slack.
…so, clearly this post has sort of derailed, crumbling down into the same frustrated cyclic conclusions i keep reaching about B and what’s happened and what i want the most: him. is this because i’m not over him? probably. i’m repeatedly getting stuck on the parts that sting the most: her. if i could just hate her, it’d be so much easier. but she’s too sweet, and i actually pity her for the shitshow she’s inevitably going to uncover.
so onto the next question: how the hell do i stop this sad cycle and move the fuck on? aside from anonymously spewing my sloppy feelings to no one in particular, that is. don’t get me wrong, i think bitching in a journal, completely openly and honestly—because if you can’t be entirely uninhibited with yourself, how on earth do you expect to be with anyone else—is the first step; now i just need to figure out the next one.
2 years ago