buzzing brainclouds
tonight, i stumbled across this beautiful brilliant essay on how the internet is changing the way we think, and then i rewatched before sunrise, and THEN i had an intense two-hour phone conversation with B. and now i’ve got all these frenetic fantastical thoughts swirling around in my brain and, of course, i can’t sleep. so i’m going to try to empty out a couple onto this blank page. isn’t that why i signed up for this nonsense in the first place? i needed a private public place to exorcise my buzzing brainclouds.
but then that first tumblr got discovered by my friends, and as such, was no longer peacefully private; so i created this split internet personality, and now i’m stuck, oscillating between the two poles of my persona. here, i sloppily spill out my angsty emotional half-thoughts as earnestly and as honestly as i feel them; it’s therapy, self-exploration, catharsis. it’s, quite frankly, something i’d be mortified to learn anyone i knew had discovered—but on the other, hypocritical, hand, i’d be thrilled if some strange stalker somehow found this journal and became intrigued. by it, me, whatever. i’m still narcissistic enough to think that my melodramatic words could reverberate deep in another being’s brain.
my public blog, or as it’s intended to function, my happy list, is a fragmented, incremental attempt to capture my lighthearted side. there, too, i like the idea of an anonymous audience studying my collected words and pictures and melodies—only, over there, none of them are mine at all—and piecing them together to produce a mosaic picture of who i am. or who i want to be, more likely. and so in some ways, i take my other blog more seriously than this one; i’m more of a perfectionist there, because i know that at least two people are watching. but lately, it’s become a more frustrating struggle to maintain that identity. i find that i’m filtering my impulses more, restraining the urge to post the depressingly gorgeous bright eyes lyrics that won’t stop looping through my head because, despite how stingingly relevant they are to my current emotional mess, that’s not the part of me that i let the whole internet see. (this is that part, right here, invisible in plain sight. absolutely no one is reading this! and yet, it’s so strangely liberating to publish it where anyone theoretically could.)
remind me to write about before sunrise tomorrow.
2 years ago