January 04, 2010

re: resolute

well, so far i’m 0 for 5. fuck shit balls.

maybe i should’ve resolved instead to screw around some more—both figuratively and literally—with my love life, and my professional (ha!) life, and basically everything else. because i’m clearly excellent at that; at doing whatever i damn well want, particularly when it’s in direct violation with what that little voice in my head says i should be doing.

and then i make the same sorry excuses for my lazy, lackadaisical behavior so i don’t feel compelled to DO anything about it. i lay in my bed watching pirated TV shows, instead of applying for more research jobs or making more jewelry or figuring out my new camera, because i worked so fucking hard all day wasting away my life in a shitty dead-end office job that i’m now too exhausted to think. and then i feel guilty, so i wonder about how on earth i got stuck here, rehashing the reasons and rereaching the same conclusion every goddamn day: i have to escape.

and this is where you came come came in. fuck, i have no idea what tense we’re in anymore. i choked down my pride and asked you to help me leave; i needed you more than anything and you refused to let me in, because you didn’t want to upset her.

i know it’s more complex than that, really, i know that; but it’s that same damn dichotomy we talked about between knowing and believing something to be true. and i’m trying not to get caught up in an emotional oversimplification, a story i tell and retell to retain the explanation of what’s happened to me, but i forget sometimes. and what it comes down to is that i can’t not believe in my gut that that’s what happened: you chose her over me when i needed you most. so now i’m tiptoeing around our tricky conversations and i’m not going to let you back in so easily this time.

or at least that’s what i believe i’m gonna do.