February 28, 2011
“for instance, why can’t Canada invite a distant branch of the British royal family to immigrate to Canada and found a Canadian royal family? it’s archaic, i realize, but consider this, Canada: Americans spend hundreds of millions of dollars every year just to go to London to stare at Buckingham Palace—a building that looks like a large post office—because the queen lives there. if a queen lived right next door, Americans would spend some of that money in Canada. so if you want your own head of state, import some royals, find an empty post office in Ottawa somewhere and start calling it “Maple Leaf Palace,” hire your queen a marching band, and start raking in the tourist dough. if French Canadians complain about being ruled by English-speaking royals, make marrying a French Bourbon a condition of sitting on the throne of Canada.”
– dan savage on xanax

aaaahahahaha i am dying of laughter.

February 28, 2011
i'll call out of work

god DAMN, it’s like they’re reading my mind.

…i don’t think J appreciated it, though.

oh fuck i can’t call him J here, it’s too weird. that’s how my mom writes his name in texts.

January 04, 2011
“…this leads to the exchange of four letters between them, in which they explore the nature of human and divine love in an effort to make sense of their personal tragedy, their incompatible male and female perspectives making the dialogue painful for both.”
– wikipedia article on ‘eloisa to abelard’

hmm. sounds like some letters i recently reread.

December 27, 2010

wowwww

completely forgot about this thing.

it’s been awhile, huh. rereading my posts was like a stroll down angst lane—in a thunderstorm. it’s strange; i feel completely estranged from the passionately miserable girl pounding out those emotion-soaked words just one year ago. but then, a lot has changed since then. i have a real job, something i earned and even enjoy, my own apartment (well, rooms in an apartment), and a wonderful new boyfriend (are you surprised?). not sure which is contributing the most to my current complacence—

oh, who the fuck am i kidding, of course it’s the boy making me happy. but he really does. when i think about him, i can’t control the smile that inevitably crawls across my face. it’s sick; he’s like a drug. i crave being with him all the time, and when i am, all i can do is hold him and breathe him in, getting my fix before the necessities of life drag us apart again. i’d marry him tomorrow, if he asked. and that fucking terrifies me.

i had a dream this afternoon, a nightmare while i was napping. we were deep under the covers in some foreign room, and he rushed out to catch his flight (i was taking a different flight home—yet we were going to the same place, i think. i don’t know.) without even saying goodbye. he left his luggage—i remember thinking i’d just take it with me, and he’d thank me when he got back. there was some vague bomb threat for his flight, some weird claim no one was taking seriously, but i had a bad feeling. and when i landed, i called him and when his phone was dead, i knew. i was completely lost, drowning, frozen. i couldn’t breathe—in fact, i woke up gasping and confused. the only thing that was certain was that i couldn’t go on without him.

and now, i know that’s true. the last thing i want is to turn back into the self-pitying emogirl who needed this space to untangle the sad snaking thoughts in her head; but i’m terrified that that’s exactly what’ll happen if i lose J.

March 16, 2010
hairdyeing as catharsis: what i am doing right now. maybe next time i’ll try blue ruin. i sweartogod, boy, i would erase you if i could.

hairdyeing as catharsis: what i am doing right now. maybe next time i’ll try blue ruin.

i sweartogod, boy, i would erase you if i could.

March 15, 2010

UGH i don’t even know

…what to do. what to say. except WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? this is never going to work. i see that now, my vision finally crystal-clear, no longer clouded over with hazy, crazy infatuation. S and i are far too similar, we’re selfish and impulsive and react in exactly the same way; that is to say, we blow up over tiny triggering things and don’t understand why the other is overreacting over something so reasonable. and the joke is, i don’t think he sees any of this. and i can’t make him see it; he’ll just get argumentative, dig in his heels, and burrow deeper down into his own one-sided perspective. so what’s a spineless girl to do?

i really know i shouldn’t, but i can’t help compare him to B when we’re like this; i think of how kind and communicative and sweet and understanding B is, and god damn it why is S so blind to any other possible views than his own? and then i worry about my own… (what was the word B used?) impressionability; my fluidity, my amorphous amoeba of a personality that emerges when i find myself in a relationship. i think maybe i’m becoming more volatile, more irrational and self-righteous, because that’s how i see S acting—and i justify it as a need to defend myself when he’s acting accusatory and demanding. maybe i am the one making things worse… i don’t know. i can’t observe our interactions objectively, so i really can’t judge. i just know that with B, my responses reach the opposite end of the spectrum; i’m overly understanding and supportive, because that’s exactly how he is. although, this has only reached a happy harmony recently; since i’ve accepted his being with C and drowned myself in new attention.

…that’s not healthy either. god damn it.

i don’t know who i am when i’m not in a relationship. that’s pretty fucking terrifying.

February 22, 2010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.] starálfur – sigur rós

i have so much love and emotional history wrapped up in this song.

it all started that time in the tv room, i think it must’ve been junior year; a bunch of us were cuddled up on various squashy couches watching the life aquatic. and that scene at the end with the jaguar shark came on, and the soundtrack sounded so intangibly familiar, and then all of a sudden i knew. i recognized the song from that night in R’s room, so long ago. he told me about how his ex always used to fall asleep to sigur rós while he lay there holding her, and that it’d taken quite some time but he was finally able to listen to them again. i remember marveling at this song, and how epically, hauntingly gorgeous it was, and how perfectly it would fit as the soundtrack to a stirring emotional climax in an off-beat movie. and then, as the various characters reached forward to touch bill murray’s shoulders, the memory came rushing back and i was just overwhelmed with feeling.

so of course, i ran straight to B to tell him all of this, to have him protect me from my twisted regrets and bittersweet memories. and of course, he comforted me and was enamored by my story and fell more in love with me and with starálfur—it is a beautiful song, after all. so then when i decided to make him a mix CD, songs for us to lay in bed and listen to on lazy sundays, what other song could i possibly choose for the closing track?

it’s funny, i remember when i was first making the CD, i entertained the idea that some day B would be playing it for some other girl as they lay in bed on a late morning. and i liked that thought; the idea that i would be somehow helping him with his love life later on down the road. and then he did move on and invite another girl into his bed, and for a long time that was too painful to deal with. but i think now, finally, i want him to play the CD for her. i think she’d really like it, and that would make him happy. which would make me happy too.

February 03, 2010
“when i said i was a hopeless romantic, the emphasis was on the hopeless part.”
– S

oh, boy. what am i getting myself into?

January 26, 2010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.] december baby – ingrid michaelson

i sort of want to write a really long sad-sack post about this song, and B, and how i don’t know where i’m going to find the strength but god damn it i’m finally going to get over him this time. because that’s how i feel right now. but god and charlie kaufman know: i can’t tell from one moment to the next what i’m gonna like. or feel. or believe.

but mostly i just want to play this song on repeat until i feel better.

January 19, 2010

brainspark*

edit/elaborate on this later.

sincere pleasure derived from a partner’s happiness with another as the ultimate goal of nonmonogamy; rather than tempering the squeamish remains of that instinctive, insidious jealousy via a connection with another.

*like a brainwave, but faster and smaller and more elusive.